Let me introduce you to my 18-year-old self. I was intelligent, witty and a quick thinker. I had been raised to do the right thing in every situation and I would have told you I accomplished that most of the time. When many of my peers were struggling to decide what was right or wrong, I'd already had my mind made up and a formulated debate in my mind waiting for the moment to convince anyone who asked my opinion.
This mindset translated into my faith as well. I thought loving Jesus was all about obeying his commands - doing the right thing - at any cost. In my early twenties, I asked God to show me more of his heart and desires which led me to receiving a lot of words challenging me to do some pretty outlandish things. After a year of following God's commands, I was burned out. Every time I obeyed I felt like I was beaten down further than I could have imagined before, but the bruises just kept coming.
In the years that followed, I started asking God "why" like so many others who've hit rock bottom. How could he tell me to do all these things and then not reward me for my obedience? Had he really told me to them? Did I hear him right? The healing process has been a long one, but I'm recuperating. Recently, I had the strength to ask God those questions again about what is in his heart.
His response came in the form of another command, so to speak. Last week I followed God's prompting, confident that he was going to do something. But nothing tangible came from my obedience. The amazing thing? This time I wasn't discouraged. I was still confident that God was doing something, it simply may not have been what I thought it was at first glance. As I was praying over this situation today, God showed me this beautiful image of a Connect the Dots.
As you're following the numbers, you start to get an idea of what the picture will be. I for one have been guilty of missing a dot because all of a sudden one of the numbers jetted out to the corner of the page from the center cluster; it simply took me off guard because it didn't match what I thought the picture was going to be. All in a split second, I realized that obeying God is like connecting the dots.
When God tells us what is in line with his heart, we need to do only that thing. We should not assume even two more logical steps down that path because the number 29 may not be near 28 and 30. God is asking us to connect one dot at a time, trusting that if we follow the numbers, the picture will look as it should in the end. I want to connect the dots. And I want God to keep giving me the extravagant puzzles that have unexpected dots. But even more, I want to trust him as I connect the dots, free to let go of the path I envisioned I was taking.
Connecting the Dots of His Love.
Always in Love.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Friday, March 3, 2017
My Jesus Misses Your Jesus
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt a tension between you and a friend? A co-worker? A spouse? I know it's a rare thing, but I hear it has happened. Reconciliation has been on my mind a lot recently and tonight I had this insightful image that I believe reveals an incredible truth about unity in the Body of Jesus Christ.
I believe every man and woman in love with Jesus carries His presence within him/her. Jesus is accustomed to experiencing perfect and beautiful unity with the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us. In a sense, he has divided himself among his people and he desires nothing more than to enjoy that unity he created in the beginning. He likes us, so he wants to take us on the adventure of such an incredible experience.
But life is messy. She told me she didn't have room for me in the car, so I refuse to invite her on my next excursion. He said he'd have my back but he didn't even show the night I needed him most. She betrayed my trust and I will never speak to her openly again. It breaks my heart, but this is life, even among those of us who are supposed to intimately know the deepest love to ever exist.
If you truly know that love, I believe this aches your heart, too. Have you ever paused to consider why? Inside of you is Jesus, who desires to be united to himself. The moment you turn away your brother, the Jesus in you aches at the loss of himself in your brother. The adventure has been brought to a sudden halt and it breaks his heart for himself and for both of you. He wanted you to enjoy what was before you!
Jesus loved us so much he gave up the right to his own life on our behalf.
My heart is passionate for unity among the Bride of Christ. I have had this in my heart for many years but it has continued to shape in new light of my own experiences and the pain I see within the Bride.
Recently, I was pondering different facets of conflict and how to pursue unity in various situations. Of course we all know that when we hurt someone we need to apologize. But what about the moment when you recognize you've wronged someone against whom you filed a restraining order? What of the once-friend who told you to stay out of his life? What about the ex-boyfriend you hurt years ago, who is now married with children? How do we navigate pursuing unity in these situations?
Because of my own passion for the issue, I often feel that my heart aches stronger than most when there is disunity. In my pondering of a disunity between me and a brother, I asked Jesus how my heart could be wrenched from hurting my brother so much more than his even stings from the hurt I caused him?
In that moment, Jesus answered my question: "Because I, in you, long so deeply for myself in your brother. You asked to know my heart, and this is it."
I am a near expert at asking those dangerous questions. You know, like the time you ask God for patience and then he gives you one thousand opportunities to practice in a 24-hour period. My dangerous question is often asking God to give me his heart in different situations.
Think about this. If Jesus has made his dwelling in you and in me, but we refuse to talk to one another on account of some offense, Jesus is no longer in unity with himself. The Jesus in me misses - aches for - the Jesus in you. I know life isn't so simple as to live in joyful harmony with anyone you've ever hurt or who has hurt you. But I definitely live with high hopes and I want to do all I can to unite my Jesus with your Jesus.
My prayer is that you want that, too, so we can enjoy the adventure of living in the love Jesus has for himself.
Seeking Love.
Pondering Love.
Always in Love.
I believe every man and woman in love with Jesus carries His presence within him/her. Jesus is accustomed to experiencing perfect and beautiful unity with the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us. In a sense, he has divided himself among his people and he desires nothing more than to enjoy that unity he created in the beginning. He likes us, so he wants to take us on the adventure of such an incredible experience.
But life is messy. She told me she didn't have room for me in the car, so I refuse to invite her on my next excursion. He said he'd have my back but he didn't even show the night I needed him most. She betrayed my trust and I will never speak to her openly again. It breaks my heart, but this is life, even among those of us who are supposed to intimately know the deepest love to ever exist.
If you truly know that love, I believe this aches your heart, too. Have you ever paused to consider why? Inside of you is Jesus, who desires to be united to himself. The moment you turn away your brother, the Jesus in you aches at the loss of himself in your brother. The adventure has been brought to a sudden halt and it breaks his heart for himself and for both of you. He wanted you to enjoy what was before you!
Jesus loved us so much he gave up the right to his own life on our behalf.
My heart is passionate for unity among the Bride of Christ. I have had this in my heart for many years but it has continued to shape in new light of my own experiences and the pain I see within the Bride.
Recently, I was pondering different facets of conflict and how to pursue unity in various situations. Of course we all know that when we hurt someone we need to apologize. But what about the moment when you recognize you've wronged someone against whom you filed a restraining order? What of the once-friend who told you to stay out of his life? What about the ex-boyfriend you hurt years ago, who is now married with children? How do we navigate pursuing unity in these situations?
Because of my own passion for the issue, I often feel that my heart aches stronger than most when there is disunity. In my pondering of a disunity between me and a brother, I asked Jesus how my heart could be wrenched from hurting my brother so much more than his even stings from the hurt I caused him?
In that moment, Jesus answered my question: "Because I, in you, long so deeply for myself in your brother. You asked to know my heart, and this is it."
I am a near expert at asking those dangerous questions. You know, like the time you ask God for patience and then he gives you one thousand opportunities to practice in a 24-hour period. My dangerous question is often asking God to give me his heart in different situations.
Think about this. If Jesus has made his dwelling in you and in me, but we refuse to talk to one another on account of some offense, Jesus is no longer in unity with himself. The Jesus in me misses - aches for - the Jesus in you. I know life isn't so simple as to live in joyful harmony with anyone you've ever hurt or who has hurt you. But I definitely live with high hopes and I want to do all I can to unite my Jesus with your Jesus.
My prayer is that you want that, too, so we can enjoy the adventure of living in the love Jesus has for himself.
Seeking Love.
Pondering Love.
Always in Love.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Heavy
There's this incredible lyricist named Derek Webb. I appreciate him deeply but he isn't for everyone. He challenges traditional thoughts and he writes in raw truth that may be considered offensive to sensitive ears. Truthfully, had I read his lyrics a year before my ears first heard the beautiful sounds and provoking words coming through my Pandora station, I would have shut my computer off faster than you can say "sinner." It was 2011 when I first heard his song "Wedding Dress" - still my favorite of his, lyrically speaking - and I've only continued to grow in appreciation of his lyrical genius.
If you are open to being challenged and provoked in the way of a whip coming through a temple, look him up and soak in the words that the Lord has placed on this man's heart.
Tonight, I found myself looking up his albums online with the intention of buying some, but not all, of his music (I have a history of spending far more money on music than I can currently justify as reasonable). My desire is to buy every one of his albums, but I'm trying to be financially responsible! I am grateful for this era of Spotify and Pandora, but I still like a good ole' fashioned CD.
As I researched, I found far more than I expected to read this evening. I found articles demeaning this man's work, labeling him, as religious people are so fond of doing. I found blogs written in speculation of what some of his lyrics mean. And then I found an interview in which Webb was asked about his series of songs "Lover" in particular. Something he said struck me:
"At the time, I was leaning very heavily into abstract language and I didn't know exactly what it was about." (Interview with Hannah Goodwyn of CBN Entertainment)
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the seeming lack of "artsy" within me. My dad and both of his sisters studied graphic design - his sisters are both active designers. My mom is an English teacher by trade - she wrote poetry and even had some published! I, on the other hand, have always excelled at math and science. I studied biomedical engineering most of my undergrad education. So often you hear of artistic kids that struggle to fit within their parent's expectation of life pursuits. This brain child experienced just the opposite; I was considered to have wasted my time studying while my little sister was praised for drawing a turkey on the carpet. With markers (you think I'm kidding, my there is photographic evidence).
I think that's a part of why I've always longed for a touch of artistic creativity. Don't get me wrong. I do consider myself creative, but not with a canvas and paintbrush. I'm creative like MacGyver; give me a problem that needs solved functionally and you will be surprised at the inventive contraption I devise. But when I go to an art show, I lack connection with understanding what's before me. I so wish I could look at a piece and express what it makes me feel. Instead, I begin analyzing - using my mind - to determine what I see and what logical thoughts might be associated with the present elements. My thoughts are often fact-based. I want to know what the artist felt when she was drawing, what she wanted me to see, not spend time trying to figure out how I feel.
When I listen to a song, I want to understand the lyrics.
Tonight, I recognized a beauty in that Derek Webb, as the artist, didn't even know what the words meant that he had put to song over the last many years. Not until they had all been penned and produced did he discover the meaning behind his own lyrics. How I admire those who have learned to embrace such thinking! Feeling? I want to know every allegory present in his song "Heavy." I want to understand what it means to him. But that has never been the purpose. Instead, I should seek to gather the emotion he expresses while preforming the song. And that, I can grasp. This man has wrestled through much and how many things could he say have been "placed so high on the shelf"?
For the first time, I am starting to grasp the beauty of the unknown in art.
Seeking Love.
Pondering Love.
Always in Love.
If you are open to being challenged and provoked in the way of a whip coming through a temple, look him up and soak in the words that the Lord has placed on this man's heart.
Tonight, I found myself looking up his albums online with the intention of buying some, but not all, of his music (I have a history of spending far more money on music than I can currently justify as reasonable). My desire is to buy every one of his albums, but I'm trying to be financially responsible! I am grateful for this era of Spotify and Pandora, but I still like a good ole' fashioned CD.
As I researched, I found far more than I expected to read this evening. I found articles demeaning this man's work, labeling him, as religious people are so fond of doing. I found blogs written in speculation of what some of his lyrics mean. And then I found an interview in which Webb was asked about his series of songs "Lover" in particular. Something he said struck me:
"At the time, I was leaning very heavily into abstract language and I didn't know exactly what it was about." (Interview with Hannah Goodwyn of CBN Entertainment)
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the seeming lack of "artsy" within me. My dad and both of his sisters studied graphic design - his sisters are both active designers. My mom is an English teacher by trade - she wrote poetry and even had some published! I, on the other hand, have always excelled at math and science. I studied biomedical engineering most of my undergrad education. So often you hear of artistic kids that struggle to fit within their parent's expectation of life pursuits. This brain child experienced just the opposite; I was considered to have wasted my time studying while my little sister was praised for drawing a turkey on the carpet. With markers (you think I'm kidding, my there is photographic evidence).
I think that's a part of why I've always longed for a touch of artistic creativity. Don't get me wrong. I do consider myself creative, but not with a canvas and paintbrush. I'm creative like MacGyver; give me a problem that needs solved functionally and you will be surprised at the inventive contraption I devise. But when I go to an art show, I lack connection with understanding what's before me. I so wish I could look at a piece and express what it makes me feel. Instead, I begin analyzing - using my mind - to determine what I see and what logical thoughts might be associated with the present elements. My thoughts are often fact-based. I want to know what the artist felt when she was drawing, what she wanted me to see, not spend time trying to figure out how I feel.
When I listen to a song, I want to understand the lyrics.
Tonight, I recognized a beauty in that Derek Webb, as the artist, didn't even know what the words meant that he had put to song over the last many years. Not until they had all been penned and produced did he discover the meaning behind his own lyrics. How I admire those who have learned to embrace such thinking! Feeling? I want to know every allegory present in his song "Heavy." I want to understand what it means to him. But that has never been the purpose. Instead, I should seek to gather the emotion he expresses while preforming the song. And that, I can grasp. This man has wrestled through much and how many things could he say have been "placed so high on the shelf"?
For the first time, I am starting to grasp the beauty of the unknown in art.
Seeking Love.
Pondering Love.
Always in Love.
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